K and I finally found sometime to spend together on Friday since we didn’t have to take my parents to the hospital. My aunt who lives close by our place was kind enough to take them there. So to make a good use of this little time, we decided to go out for dinner.
Actually we were planning to do this on Thursday before but he got home a bit late so that had to cancel. But on the other hand I got my little workout done 🙂
Anyway, I got a call earlier that my bro can be discharged today. After spending about 10 days there with bunch of tests, blood draw, cultures etc, all conclusions come to be just TUBERCULOSIS. Nothing else. The only question remain is: Why does he still have high fever at night (102-103° F) although he’s been on TB meds for at least a month (though he got 2 days off from it in between).
In some ways it’s a good news that he only has TB, but my parents are not convinced yet. The fever does bother them…A LOT.
And now, I want to write something that been bugging me. Yesterday, my dad sat down and had a deep talk with me….ABOUT ME.
He told me that both he and my mom sensed how I’ve changed completely from before. They mentioned how the way I treated them like an outsider. The most obvious thing was I’ve NEVER SMILED at them or made a small talk with them ever since they came. I only talked to them if they asked me something, otherwise I just kept quiet.
This statement vexing me….quite deep. It makes me thinking.
Now let me come clean here. I DO ADMIT that I’ve never really being nice around them as they claimed. I’m a straight forward and pretty transparent. I can’t lie. I can’t fake my facial expression. If I’m unhappy about something, all of them show on my facial expression and my behavior. Sometimes I hate being like this. Sometimes I wish I can hide those so people won’t know.
Why am I being this unhappy? I know the answer. Having my bro living with me after I got married DOES BOTHER ME…a lot. I mean he’s 26 years old..can’t he live by himself? Be a little independent from his big sister? I can’t always nurture him, baby sit him like mom does. But of course I didn’t tell this directly to my dad yesterday. They are sad enough with his sickness and I actually do not want to say anything because whatever I said will just sadden them even more.
I always say the WRONG THING at the WRONG TIME and I hate myself for that as well.
So I didn’t respond back. He mentioned that this would be his last time telling me this, up to me want to listen to him or not. He said if I do still have the heart, go and apologize to mom of my behavior.
Maybe I should do that, just to ease them up.
I have a mixed feeling of this since yesterday.
And let me tell you something. I feel like whatever I’m doing is never good enough in front of them. I try to be positive about this whole situation, but sadly like I mentioned earlier, I am too transparent. I can’t hide my deepest feeling/thought. I admit that I HATE the whole situation but at the same time I’m struggling not to be this way.
I apologize for this rant, but I just need to get this though out from my head, hopefully I can clear up my mind a bit. Maybe it’s time for me to be friendlier with my parents. One thing is probably because of the new place that K and I just got. It’s a brand new home, and I love to keep it as clean as possible. Thus not having enough time lately to maintain it does bug me. I’d say I got enslaved by the new home. I got OCD (Obsessive Cleaning Disorder)– sorry just made that one up.
Later after I got home, I’ll be nicer and friendlier. It’s tough especially if I do feel bothered with this whole situation. But I’ll try to focus on being positive. I know I am not sincere enough, but for this time it’s better to fix what’s broken first. Whether I am sincere or not, I’ll deal with that later.
This post might sound confusing but I tried to pour out my thoughts as simplest as possible. Also I apologize if this post offends anyone who’s reading it. And for those who know me in person, I’m sorry if you’ll see me differently the next time we meet in person. I might not be the person that you always think of and I apologize for that.