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Coming Clean

30 Aug

K and I finally found sometime to spend together on Friday since we didn’t have to take my parents to the hospital. My aunt who lives close by our place was kind enough to take them there. So to make a good use of this little time, we decided to go out for dinner.

complimentary appetizer - didn't touch these at all

thai boat noodle aka beef soup cellophane noodles - pretty good.

pad thai- my favorite as always but this one was a bit too sweet

Actually we were planning to do this on Thursday before but he got home a bit late so that had to cancel. But on the other hand I got my little workout done 🙂

Anyway, I got a call earlier that my bro can be discharged today. After spending about 10 days there with bunch of tests, blood draw, cultures etc, all conclusions come to be just TUBERCULOSIS. Nothing else. The only question remain is: Why does he still have high fever at night (102-103° F) although he’s been on TB meds for at least a month (though he got 2 days off from it in between).

his right arms - used for the IV injection

his left arm - blood draws

In some ways it’s a good news that he only has TB, but my parents are not convinced yet. The fever does bother them…A LOT.

some example of hospital food.

And now, I want to write something that been bugging me. Yesterday, my dad sat down and had a deep talk with me….ABOUT ME.
He told me that both he and my mom sensed how I’ve changed completely from before. They mentioned how the way I treated them like an outsider. The most obvious thing was I’ve NEVER SMILED at them or made a small talk with them ever since they came. I only talked to them if they asked me something, otherwise I just kept quiet.
This statement vexing me….quite deep. It makes me thinking.

Now let me come clean here. I DO ADMIT that I’ve never really being nice around them as they claimed. I’m a straight forward and pretty transparent. I can’t lie. I can’t fake my facial expression. If I’m unhappy about something, all of them show on my facial expression and my behavior. Sometimes I hate being like this. Sometimes I wish I can hide those so people won’t know.

Why am I being this unhappy? I know the answer. Having my bro living with me after I got married DOES BOTHER ME…a lot. I mean he’s 26 years old..can’t he live by himself? Be a little independent from his big sister? I can’t always nurture him, baby sit him like mom does. But of course I didn’t tell this directly to my dad yesterday. They are sad enough with his sickness and I actually do not want to say anything because whatever I said will just sadden them even more.

I always say the WRONG THING at the WRONG TIME and I hate myself for that as well.

So I didn’t respond back. He mentioned that this would be his last time telling me this, up to me want to listen to him or not. He said if I do still have the heart, go and apologize to mom of my behavior.
Maybe I should do that, just to ease them up.

I have a mixed feeling of this since yesterday.

And let me tell you something. I feel like whatever I’m doing is never good enough in front of them. I try to be positive about this whole situation, but sadly like I mentioned earlier, I am too transparent. I can’t hide my deepest feeling/thought. I admit that I HATE the whole situation but at the same time I’m struggling not to be this way.

I apologize for this rant, but I just need to get this though out from my head, hopefully I can clear up my mind a bit. Maybe it’s time for me to be friendlier with my parents. One thing is probably because of the new place that K and I just got. It’s a brand new home, and I love to keep it as clean as possible. Thus not having enough time lately to maintain it does bug me. I’d say I got enslaved by the new home. I got OCD (Obsessive Cleaning Disorder)sorry just made that one up.

Later after I got home, I’ll be nicer and friendlier. It’s tough especially if I do feel bothered with this whole situation. But I’ll try to focus on being positive. I know I am not sincere enough, but for this time it’s better to fix what’s broken first. Whether I am sincere or not, I’ll deal with that later.

This post might sound confusing but I tried to pour out my thoughts as simplest as possible. Also I apologize if this post offends anyone who’s reading it. And for those who know me in person, I’m sorry if you’ll see me differently the next time we meet in person. I might not be the person that you always think of and I apologize for that.

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10 Comments

Posted by on August 30, 2010 in food

 

Tags: ,

10 responses to “Coming Clean

  1. traynharder23

    September 1, 2010 at 7:24 am

    hey you, i’m glad you felt better after my comment. i’m always here for you!

    yep, he’s my OFFICIAL boyfriend as of August 14th! CRAZY how you and your man and me and my man were at santa monica beach in the early stages of dating!

    i like to eat a lot of protein because
    a) makes me feel full
    b) builds muscles
    c) i like meat vs grains (i don’t feel bloated as much)
    d) coach prescribed it (paleo- HIGHLY paleo diet) in terms for better performance.

    i usually do paleo + dairy (love my yogurt) but sometimes i eat soy (which is okay in my book because all of my ancestors grew up on it!)

    I DO miss cereal a lot. and cake!

    keep me posted!

     
  2. Sagojyou

    August 31, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    Actually, I have to say this about the last line: Don’t be sorry for who you are. What’s wrong with that?

    If other people thought you were A and you were actually B, it’s them that thought you were A, so why should you be sorry? You’re you, and that’s what matters. If you’re nice, mean, easy-going, complicated, worries a a lot, careless, short temper, calm, cool, funny, kind, etc…it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. You know who you are, and that’s what makes you different from other people. 🙂

    If you’re like that to your parents, I think it’s fine. But because you’re in a complicated situation, you can be nice or however you think you will make your parents feel happy. This situation isn’t going to overtake your life forever, you know. 🙂 I take it as a sign that something good’s going to happen later on. 🙂

    And I like how you’re really honest on your blog; not hiding anything, and that’s a good thing because then, the readers will get the feeling of who you are 🙂 Even though sometimes it’s scary to do that (I’m saying this from experience), it’s better because you will always have supporters and people who like your attitude! 🙂

    If this sounds harsh, I’m sorry. But this is me; if someone’s sorry for who they are, I kind of want to say something about that, because that’s nothing wrong to do, and because we are ourselves, we are different from everybody else!

     
  3. Ameena

    August 31, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    I love your honesty! I am sure the whole situation must be so frustrating and I don’t blame you for venting. It’s funny how my parents totally favor my brother (only boy) as well and they’d expect me to do something similar. I love my brother to death but there would be a point where the whole thing would be too much for me too!

    I hope you feel better soon!

     
  4. Danielle

    August 30, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    Also, omg I love pad thai. That picture is making me crave it!

     
  5. Danielle

    August 30, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    I’m glad to hear the doctors have come up with a cause for your brother’s health troubles. Hopefully they’re right and he starts getting better soon!

    Family stress can be so hard to deal with. Part of you wants to scream “You don’t understand!” and then pour out all the things that have been bothering you and why they’re so unfair. Part of you doubts yourself and thinks you might be selfish for thinking that way. Of course, the health problems just add that much more stress and the last thing you want to do is tell your parents you think your brother, who’s just been in the hospital so long, should grow up and move out on his own.

    In the end, you’ll do what’s right – whatever that is. You have to listen to your family and respect their opinions but you don’t always have to believe or follow them. And you certainly don’t have to do what they want if it makes you miserable and stressed.

    big hugs! I hope things start getting better soon.

     
  6. traynharder23

    August 30, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    i am so sorry your dad talked to you about YOU. he really had no right to lash into you saying that you weren’t friendly enough and such. but i guess, one part you could do is just apologize to smooth things over. but EXPLAIN why you were acting that way? like TELL them, explain to them that you can’t live/baby sit your 26 year old brother anymore! you’re with someone. and you can’t keep taking care of a brother! he should be independent, and that’s what you think!

    glad you said what you wanted to get off your chest here. that helps MUCHO.

    hugs, girl, and lemme know how everything goes (i, too, feel there is a double standard and have started talking about it to people and getting advice)

     

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